Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The first step

I weigh over 300 pounds and have been tormented by weight loathing my entire adult life.  I know that sin has a major role to play in my body shape.  I also know that there are forces outside of myself that make weight loss more challenging.

Me this week
Why begin now?

Well, I've been beginning weight loss for decades.  This is far from the beginning.  At the very least, this is the middle!  I went to my friend's pool today and made a bit of a confession to her while floating in the water.  We were discussing confession and sin and I told her that I wear my sin for everyone to see.  My fat is like a badge that way.  And not just that, but, if I were to begin to eat perfectly and exercise 3-4 time a week, I would still be wearing the fat for months or years.  The world will still be disgusted by me after months of doing all the right things.  That's what being morbidly obese is.  It is daunting.

Every month or so someone will be rude or disdainful just because they can.  This would still happen if I lost 50 pounds.  It may even happen after 100!  How discouraging that is.  I remember when I lost weight before.  I started at 235 and had lost 25 pounds.  I was looking good and went out for a jog.  Some school kids walking home jeered at me and were really cruel.  I had lost weight, but my body hadn't tightened up yet.  That happened when I got under 200.  It's happened when I've ridden my bike, been out for a walk, and doing almost anything else for exercise.  I know that this will happen this time too.

Jesus is going to be right there with me.  I put on this weight walking away from Him, but I'll take it off with Him by my side.  The jeers and the disdain are part of the penance of my sin.  They are also blessings.  Didn't Jesus say,

"Blessed are you, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake."

If I'm exercising and caring for my "temple of the Holy Spirit" then I'm doing something for God.  If someone laughs at me or makes fun, they are persecuting me.  Think about it, making fun of a fat person for exercising is like making fun of a person with cancer for going to chemo.  It's evil!  

My confessor last week suggested that I read Dortheus of Gaza, a great Church Father.  This week, I'm going to concentrate on one of his ideas.  I hope it helps you too.
"I have never known someone to fall who was not trusting his own judgement"

  • I need to trust that fewer calories will be enough
  • I need to trust that I can make it through my weight routine and swimming rosary
  • I need to trust that I can do it if I go one day at a time
  • I need to trust that imperfection is a big part of who I am and that I will fall, but I can get back up! 

1 comment:

  1. Nice photo, even though you're putting it there to show your profile. Still, one fortunate thing you have going for you is that you're so beautiful! BTW, you probably think I didn't care about your blog, but I do; just found your card on Nick's desk today; so rest assured, we are just the usual disorganized friends you know.